Why the hell am I here?

There are at least three distinct reasons I am here.

The first is the obvious one. I'm here on holiday. I've needed to get away for some time now (I could go on for pages about how badly I've needed to get out of the country and why). And I really needed this vacation to be one of healing, recovery, getting refreshed and preparing for the next onslaught of chaos, something that was definitely NOT going to happen at my family's home or in Dallas.

That reason also goes hand in hand with the second, which is I came to visit my friend. I was invited here months ago, and when the opportunity arose I accepted it and pushed for it to happen.

The third reason is to get a glimpse of my future.

Shortly before I met Andrew-John, I was undergoing the beginning of a major transformation of my life which is still going on. My relationship with God is such that he has this habit of speaking to me quite loudly and clearly, but not giving me any hint of his intentions. I think some people might envy that, but it presents its own strains, especially because its hard for people to understand (I really can't concieve of the inability to beleive in His existence - makes it hard to communicate with "nonbelievers", whose existence I don't believe in sometimes!) and thus help me when I need support.

Anyway, up until that point I had what I think is the "average American" view of Africa, which basically comes from Disney's The Lion King mixed with flashes from the occassional world news article telling us about another genocide or famine or peak in the AIDS crisis, picturs of swole-bellied fly-covered big-eyed children sitting in the mud outside of a dusty lean-to.

You know what I'm talking about.

So, quite abruptly God landed this message in front of me which went something like "Hi. You're going to Africa." Then hinted something about AIDS, and wandered off again, leaving me to WTF for weeks.

Africa?? AIDS?? Two things I know next to nothing about, and really don't care about either. I mean, of course I care, because I care about people, but I don't really have any vested interest in those things. Can't you send me to places I KNOW something about? Can't I do work with something I'm interested in?

Sure you can. Now, go learn and get interested.

Then he thought it would be funny to throw several people and circumstances into my life; it was like watching the stars move into alignment with very little subtlety.

So here I am. I have no idea what I'm doing here ultimately. I leave it to God to work that out for me, but I tell you what, the biggest hardest lesson to learn is how to surrender to His will. Especially for someone who craves control as much as I do. Even the act of surrendering has to be a surrender. Do you understand that? Thinking "I will surrender" is contradictory to the act of surrendering! If you have truly released control, you know that you don't HAVE any control over whether you surrender or not. You can't put anything in God's hands; it's already there!

There is no conclusion for me to draw. I can't really take this revelation and plan anything around it. God doesn't tell me his intentions; he guides my actions, and I have to trust him. It's scary.

To realize I don't really know WHY I'm here...

To BE. That was something I learned on the beach yesterday. We were all walking along, going nowhere in particular, and I noticed... the thing about walking along the beach is it's one of the ultimate ways to just Be In The Moment (something countless self-help books try and teach you). When you're making your way across the sand, rarely are you looking very far ahead of you, and it would be stupid to try and look back. Most of the time, you're staring at your feet, still moving forward, but step by step only aware of where your foot is now, and the feel of sand between your toes, maybe water around your ankles, the ocean moving in and out beside you... Just Now.