Shame and Blinders

Today I’m struggling not to feel ashamed. I believe shame exists to redirect our pride. When we find ourselves taking pride in something we shouldn’t, God gives us shame to counteract that. Unfortunately, imperfect beings that we are, I think we indulge ourselves in shame indiscriminately and too often fail to learn anything from it. In my own life (I certainly have no authority to direct anyone else), I try not to slog around too long in the feeling of shame (and emergence self-righteously “well, I’ve done my time, now I’ll just go back to where I was before”) and instead focus on the source. What am I feeling ashamed of, is it really shameful or is there more… and pray about it a LOT.

I’m feeling ashamed of the fact that I’ve been so self-centered in my spiritual journey for so long. All of my developments have been focused on myself. What do I know, what have I, experienced, what do I believe, what will I practice...? Etc. I’m starting to become more aware of the people around me. We’re all of us on this journey. We walk in different ways, at different paces, and maybe even sometimes in different directions, but we’re all on a path. I feel like I’ve been walking along with blinders on, more or less oblivious to others, until I bump into them or until someone causes something to happen along my private journey. All you other people are just ornaments along my path, so to speak.

Is that something to be ashamed of? Should I not have pride in the progress I’ve made, in the journey I’ve led so far? I don’t think so.

Instead I think this feeling of shame is meant to open my eyes to the people around me. It’s okay to be a little selfish once in awhile. And lets face it, I’m not far along. I’ve really just recently learned to walk! There’s no shame in getting your own balance before letting other people steady themselves against you. Early on, or even further down the road. Sometimes we stumble, and we have to focus on our own feet for a little while. Sometimes we find we have to pick other people up, lean on them or let them lean on us along the way. Sometimes God alters the pace of our lives so that we fall in step with people who enrich our journeys. Sometimes wonderful people come into our lives… sometimes they’re there for the rest of the path, sometimes we lose track of them… sometimes they’re tragically taken from us.

I know I’m speaking awfully broadly and metaphorically. Don’t know how helpful that is. Maybe you’re reading something here and thinking about your own life. Maybe you’re just confused. (What is he talking about?!?)

It’s hard, you know, trying to speak in a way that relates to others. I certainly don’t feel like I have any right to even try and see through anyone else’s eyes. That’s probably my biggest setback. Not because I don’t WANT to relate to people, but because I don’t feel worthy of that… worthy of a relationship? (Do I discount my own experience, unfairly judge my own struggles as worth much less? What is the right perspective to have?) Strange revelation.

So there’s shame in only knowing my own story, AND there’s shame in trying to relate to someone else’s! This is going to take a lot more meditation…